I Don't Wanna Know
by justbrie
Summary: Songfic to Counting Crows song "Amy Hit the Atmosphere." Kara returns and is suspected of being a Cylon. Lee POV. One Shot.


"Starbuck, Apollo. Lost you o­n dradis. I say again, I've lost you. I'll try and fix o­n you. Kara!" searching and searching he can't find her.  
"Lee," he voice comes over the comms. "I'm not afraid anymore."  
"Say again?" she couldn't have possibly said what he thinks she said.  
"I'm not afraid anymore."  
"All right, Kara, listen to me," he begs. "Forget the damn toaster. Climb now or you're dead." He watches with anticipation waiting for her to pull up. "Godsdamn it, Kara, pull up now. We can still pull out of this; we haven't gone past the point of no return. Pull up!"

"Gods damn it, where are you?"

'Please let me find her; please let me find her' he says over and over again in his head.' He spots her. "Visual. Visual. Okay. Kara, I'm coming to get you.  
"Lee... I'll see you o­n the other side." her voice shakes just a little.  
"Kara, please, listen to me! Come back." he begs. 'Come back to me.'  
"Just let me go." she asks.  
"Godsdamn it, Kara! You come back! Come back!"  
"It's okay. Just let me go. They're waiting for me."  
"No! No!" he doesn't know how many times he says it as he watches her ship explode.

"Apollo. Get out of there, abort! Abort!" his father's voice fills his head and self preservation kicks in and he rises above the hard deck and makes his way back to Galactica.

"Lee, do you have her in sight? Can you see her?" he asks not fully understanding what has happened.  
"Negative," he replies, "she ... went in. She went in."  
"We're sending in the search and rescue birds right now. We'll find her."  
"No, Dad, it's no use. Her ship's in pieces." he says his voice breaking. "Her ship's in pieces. No chute. We lost her."

_If I could make it rain today  
And wash away this sunny day down to the gutter  
I would just to get a change of pace  
Things are getting worse, but I feel a lot better  
And that's all that really matters to me _

Lee was in the weight room working through his emotions on the punching bag. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Helo putting the new recruits through their paces and telling them stories. Lee tried not to hear them but he couldn't help eavesdropping at the sound of Kara's name. 

"..and then I tell Starbuck there's no way she can do it and she swears to the gods that she can and will..."

Helo's telling a story that Lee knows well, in fact it was one of the stories that made her a legend. Lee was so caught up that he began laughing with the rest as Helo finished the story.

"Yeah, Starbuck always was crazy, but she was my best friend and the best damn pilot in the fleet, even before the attacks." Lee's face froze and any laughter died in his throat as he realized, realized that here he was laughing it up and Kara was dead. Dead. She wasn't coming back and Lee was already laughing like nothing was different. He squeezes his eyes shut to keep himself from letting his pain show. After a moment he opens his eyes and he returns to the punching bag. Perhaps putting a bit more energy than necessary behind his punches.

Helo dismisses the nuggets and comes up to him. "Hey" Helo greets him. Lee sends a nod of acknowledgment in his general direction but doesn't make eye contact as he continues to beat the hell out of the punching bag. "I miss her" Helo continues obviously not taking the hint. "But she would want me to remember her, to put the fear of Starbuck into the new recruits, to tell people about her. So for me, talking about her helps" He clears his throat and glances around. "I know Dee probably isn't the most supportive so if you ever want to talk…I'm around." With that he turned and left Lee to his bag. In the morning Lee's hands were bruised and aching but they were a reminder and this time he didn't forget.

_Well, Amy hit the atmosphere  
Caught herself a rocket ride out of this gutter  
And she's never coming back I fear  
Anytime it rains she just feels a lot better  
And that's all that really matters to me _

"KARA", he wakes up screaming her name. Dee sighs and sits up in bed next to him turning on the light. Lee is still trying to catch his breath when she starts into him. "When are you going to let this go Lee? Starbucks gone, you couldn't have saved her." 

"Leave it alone," he tells her, "I don't want to talk about it."

"I won't leave it alone, I am your wife and I refuse to compete with a ghost…"

She is still ranting as he closes the hatch door behind him and heads for the gym. This time his hands are bruised for weeks, but now he wishes he could forget how he failed her.

_We've waited so long  
For someone to take us back home  
It just takes so long  
Meanwhile all the days go drifting away  
And some of us sink like a stone_

_Waiting for mothers to come _

"Lee." 

He looks up to see his father standing before him. It's late at night and Lee was in his quarters nursing a jar of the Chief's brew. Dee had left, possibly for good, and Lee was trying to care.

"You need to straighten up Lee" his father's voice is soft not at all the tone he uses as the commander.

"I know" Lee replies wanting to pacify his father so he can go back to drinking himself into oblivion.

"We can't have another incident like today's CAP"

"I know," he sighs. Why can't he just be left alone?

"and yesterday you called Kat Sta-"

"I know!" he cuts off his father, the anger evident in his voice.

"Look son, you're not the only ones hurting-."

"Don't you think I know that?," Lee explodes. "But no one misses her as much as me!" he shouts. His anger and alcohol loosening his tongue making him say things he never would have otherwise.

"Lee-"

"No Dad! I love her. I _love_ her. And she loved me." His father looks at him with pity and Lee can't stand it. "She did dad, she did love me," he insists, but his father just stares at him not understanding. "Leave," he says, turning his back on his father, "just go." He hears the hatch close and he sinks back into the couch gulping down the rest of his jar.

"Kara Thrace loves Lee Adama," he whispers to the empty room.

_There has to be a change I'm sure  
Today was just a day fading into another  
And that cant be what a life is for  
And anything she said well she feels a lot better  
And that's all that really matters to me _

"Hi, Lee."  
He would know that voice anywhere but he still had to ask, "Kara?"  
"Don't freak out. It really is me." she laughs and it's her laugh. "It's gonna be okay. I've been to Earth. I know where it is. And I'm gonna take us there." 

_We've waited so long  
For someone to take us back home  
It just takes so long  
Meanwhile all the days go drifting away  
And some of us sink like a stone  
Waiting for mothers to come _

He stands there staring at her through the glass. She doesn't look at him. 

Is it K…" he can't say it. "Is it her? Is she a Cylon?," he asks. _'Does it matter?'_ his mind questions_. 'It looks like her. It sounds like her. From what he saw in the hanger deck it walked, talked, swaggered, smiled, and acted out like she always did'_

_I wanna know, I wanna know,  
I wanna know, I wanna know_

"We don't know yet." His father says, his face betraying his longing._ 'He wants it to be her as much as me'_ Lee thinks.

"I'll have conclusive tests in the morning" Cottle says on his way out the door. Leaving father and son alone.

His father walks up to him and puts his hand on his shoulder. "Son", he says sighing, "we don't know anything yet. Don't get too attached."

Anger swells up inside of him. "This isn't that puppy I brought home when I was eleven Dad, it's her. It's K-," the name dies on his lips again.

"You're not even sure it's her Lee, you can't bring yourself to say her name."

_I wanna know, I wanna know,  
I wanna know, I wanna know_

_"_Just wait until morning" his father says turning to go back to his quarters and nurse his last bottle of Caprican Ambrosia.

_And all I really know is I wanna know  
And all I really know is I don't wanna know_

_And all I really know is I wanna know  
And all I really know is I don't wanna know_

He slips into the room, and approaches her like he would a scared animal. Crouching down in front of her he whispers "Ka-…Kara?"

"Lee?" She whispers, questions and tears in her eyes. "Lee" she says again. Lee doesn't know who moved first but somehow they ended up on floor, face to face, body to body, arms and legs entwined.

"Lee" she says in relief. Her voice breaking as she lays her head down on his shoulder and begins to sob .

_And all I really know is I wanna know  
And all I really know is I don't wanna know _

_And all I really know is I wanna know_

"Shh", he sooths her, "Shh. You're okay. It's gonna be okay."

"Lee, I'm not-", she slips over her words trying to find the right ones. "I need to te-"

"It's okay," he cuts her off. "It doesn't matter." She pulls him close and holds on tight as her body is racked with sobs.

_And all I really know is I don't wanna know_

_And all I really know is I wanna know  
And all I really know is I don't wanna know_

"It doesn't matter," he says again. And it's true, when Cottle couldn't give him the answer, Lee decided the answer didn't matter. Human or Cylon, it didn't matter. Kara was back.

Hours go by and Kara falls asleep in his arms. Lee is startled when he hears the hatch opens. Looking up Lee sees his father, standing in the door way. "How?" Bill asks struggling with his own emotions and his son's easy acceptance of Kara's return.

Seeing his father there, standing in the doorway unsure of himself Lee thinks he looks small. The great Bill Adama doesn't know what to do but for Lee it had all boiled down to one thing, "I don't wanna to know."

_fin_

Thanks for reading. This is my first fic ever, I was listening to this song and I couldn't get it out of my head until I wrote this.

jb


End file.
